I can remember the exact moment I had my first spiritual awakening and it started me on this path of destiny. It was 2009 and I was living in Omaha, Nebraska at the time with my ex-husband James. A lot of strange unexplainable things happened to me that year but it all started with a series of dreams with an old friend of mine, Ken.
For a week straight, I kept waking up either in the afternoon or early morning hours at exactly 2:22. Once this happened more than twice, I started paying attention. What did this mean? This couldn’t be a coincidence.
Side note: This number combination has continued to stay with me for life and I even have it tattooed on my body. I believe the numbers 222 were a code for my spiritual awakening, like it triggered a download of spiritual wisdom into me. Every time I see this code, I know another great change or awakening is on its way.
I could remember having dreams with Ken in them but my mind would not allow me to remember them. I would just remember his presence. Even though he meant a great deal to me, I chose to remember the negative memories and disregard any feelings I still had for him. I chose to forget that these dreams had any significance to me and moved on with my days.
But then, he returned again and again. He kept returning until I started seeing him in a different light. It was the like the universe was saying, no that isn’t right Erin. He is important to you.
I must explain that I hadn’t seen Ken since 2002/2003, the year I graduated from high school and moved away from my home town. I had always thought of him since that time but our paths had never crossed again except once or twice while meeting up with a group of friends.
I first met him when I was 17 through a group of friends and we developed a friendship from that moment on. I remember seeing him in town years prior, not knowing him, finding him attractive and knowing inside that my soul recognized him. I somehow knew him in my heart even though we had never been introduced.
He lived in a small town about 10 miles west of mine. He was a year older than me and had already graduated from high school. Ken lived with his best friend at the time out in the country in a trailer and for that last year, I was out there nearly every day. Usually engaging in underage drinking and other illegal drugs.
During my final year of high school, Ken and I had gotten very close. We were tight friends and hung out daily. He could always make me laugh and had a beautiful voice. He could sing just like Maynard James Keenan from Tool. He was an attractive type, almost a player who could get any girl who wanted. He was very tall, had the charm, the great laugh. Of course I found him attractive but I never thought he would return those feelings so I just ignored the feelings that were developing inside over that year.
Little did I know he was harboring the same feelings for me. I never would have guessed. Although, looking back on memories, there were signs that he did like me more than friends. He was very thoughtful and made it a point to do things for me. He listened to me and payed attention to my words.
One night that last summer we were together, he confessed his feelings for me while we had a moment alone together. It took me off guard but I admitted I liked him too. There was an inner longing inside that could no longer be contained. Our connection was explosive and I was feeling things for him that I never felt before.
But I got scared.
I was scared of getting hurt. I was scared of him seeing the real me inside that I was desperately trying to hide. I was afraid of the competition from other women that was always around the corner.
I’m sure some of you are thinking…what?! Let me explain.
During my teenage years I was a hot mess and was completely depressed and engulfed in darkness. I was a cutter, suicidal, swimming in self hatred, and a hopeless addict. In the end, I didn’t want him to see this dark side of myself and know how screwed up I was emotionally. So I ran from him and moved away.
We only saw each other a time or two after that but the attraction or feelings for him were still ever present. The chemistry between us was hard to ignore, even for him. There were other things that caused me to flee from our love but my lack of self worth was the biggest culprit.
At the time, I thought he would get over me. I was just another girl to him and he would move on with his life. And he did of course. But I didn’t fully realize how deep his feelings were for me or that my absence in his life, the way that I left him had had a huge impact on him and his emotions. But apparently I did.
Everything happens for a reason and I believe this needed to happen the way it did. But he will always remain one of my biggest regrets. I didn’t love myself so how I could possibly love him in the way he needed. My fear got the best of me and it wasn’t the first time.
The first dream I can remember of him I still remember so vividly. He was at my parents house for some reason, there were a number of folding chairs set up in the living room. It almost looked like how people congregate at a house after a funeral. I saw him and thought I’d love to talk to him. I felt so excited to see him and to be in the same room with him again. I had to go to the bathroom first which is symbolic of releasing/purging emotions.
When I returned to the room, he was nowhere to be found. I asked of his whereabouts and someone said your dad told him to leave. I was angry at my dad for doing that but symbolically, I was the one who had been cutting him out in previous dreams. I was refusing to see him or acknowledge the significance of these prior dreams. So I set off on a journey to find him.
I arrived at a restaurant a few towns away. I sat down to eat and discovered he was a busboy there. The waiter approached me and said, “You know, you really hurt him.”
I was dumbfounded because I had no idea I hurt him or that I even mattered to him. I asked to see him and I approached a small set of stairs near the back of the restaurant.
There he stood on the top with golden light surrounding him. I hurried up the steps and we embraced. It was a long hug because we hadn’t seen each other in what seemed like a lifetime. I could feel him and his energy, I knew this was really Ken and not just a character in my dream.
I told him I was sorry and as I hugged him, I kissed him upon the cheek and he whispered into my ear, “I love you.” In fact, we might have both said it in that moment. I woke up immediately after this with such a profound feeling of love and sadness all at once.
Ken. How I loved him. I was foolish for running away and hurting him that way. I guess I never could imagine someone like him loving me because I never saw myself as being good enough. Now during this time I was not spiritual at all and was an atheist at the time but I knew this dream had significance.
It was so real. I felt his energy and the love we shared for each other. It was a startling realization that I was in love with him but I could not ignore these feelings rushing to the surface inside. I kept this secret to myself but I was determined to travel back to Illinois to find him. I knew that we had to cross paths, we just had to. These dreams were so powerful, they just had to be true.
I had just gotten married a few months prior to this and was miserable inside, living a lie. This realization or love I had for Ken lit me up inside in a way I hadn’t felt in years.
He was my soul mate, someone near and dear to my soul. I craved our connection and wished for more dreams with him in them. I had very few over the next several months. I started to look into dream work, conspiracy theories, aliens, and was reading tarot cards like crazy. This is when other strange phenomenon started entering my life. I will write about this event which includes the appearance of owls and even a UFO.
One afternoon I was riding shotgun in my husband’s truck and started thinking of Ken. At that moment, there was a quick tug of hairs at the back of my neck. I was like, “Did that really just happen or did I imagine that?”
Right as I said those words to myself, an even stronger tug came again at the same spot. It made the hairs on my arms stand up and sent shivers up my spine.
What…in…the…fuck.
Outside of the hair tug, I also saw objects move in front of my eyes like a vase full of fake flowers. It looked like someone touched one of the flowers and slowly lowered it down to the table. It sprang back after whatever force holding it released itself. It was clear something was trying to reach me but I had no idea what. The foot rest of the recliner started opening up on its own whenever I was alone, even though it was perfectly latched shut and I couldn’t pull it apart if I tried.
Needless to say, I never forgot him. I did make that trip to Illinois but sadly, we never crossed paths. I did however see flashes of light in the sky every day that I was down there. I went back to Nebraska sad and disappointed but I was not giving up just yet. I knew he was important and that I loved him. I was trapped in a marriage that I didn’t want to be in and soon convinced him to move back to Illinois. That’s exactly what happened. It was important that I got him back home to his family and then I would make my escape.
Now that I was living back in Illinois, it was a lot easier to travel up North near my family to try again. One fateful day I was up near my hometown and ran into an old friend at a bar in Dixon. We got onto the topic of the old gang and I decided to ask about Ken.
He told me Ken had been murdered a couple years ago, in 2008. Ken was one of the victims of Nicholas Sheley, a serial killer on a rampage in multiple states and Northern Illinois. I was aghast and felt my heart drop to my stomach. I could feel the panic and sadness welling up inside of me, but held myself together. Dead? How could this be?
Life then became a great struggle for me and a deep depression set in. I couldn’t understand how I was having these dreams if he was dead. I thought we were supposed to be together. I asked, more like begged Ken to return to my dreams and tell me what was real.
He become a continuing presence in my dreams over the next few months. I asked if this was real and as soon as I fell asleep, he was there. I saw his face and immediately woke up.
It is real. He is real. Now what did this mean? The very fact that he was dead and communicating with me in my dreams was life changing and shattered my very belief systems in what was possible in this world.
Through all of these experiences, I came to believe the following things:
- Death was not the end.
- There was a connection between the physical world and the dream world.
- There was meaning in life and possibly a God or something omnipresent.
I researched tirelessly on all subjects I could to understand how this was possible and my reality began shifting as my beliefs did. I was a big person on needing physical proof to confirm this was real. It was hard for me to believe there was a true connection between worlds. I begged him for physical proof and he delivered.
He showed me a dream of a delivery truck dropping off a load of vegetables. Strange but the next morning, I went out to check the mail. There was something from my mom, an envelope full of coupons. This was weird enough because she never had sent me something like this before.
As soon as I opened it, the very first coupon was for KEN’S salad dressing. Was this a coincidence? It couldn’t be, the vegetables dream reference and now this. I had never even heard of Ken’s dressing until then. I knew this was his confirmation. I was blown away and finally got myself to drop all doubts and believe.
I still have that coupon to this day, preserved inside a box. I will never throw it away.
So Ken was the match that started this never-ending spiritual journey I have been on for the last 13 years. He still visits me every once in a while and he confirmed that he is a guide of mine now so he is still helping me from the other side. I came to realize that our connection was far deeper than I ever gave him credit for while he was alive.
I must have had close to 20 or more dreams with him. I could always tell when it was him because I could feel his energy, the way he felt in the physical world. He became a great teacher and healer for me. He taught me that life did have meaning and I had a purpose, and it was time to get back on track. Life was too short to be stuck in a loveless marriage where I felt stuck and so unhappy for many years.
As my belief systems shifted, I again needed confirmation from the universe that these new beliefs I was shifting toward were correct. The very next day a murder of crows circled over our house making a horrible ruckus of sound with their cries. There had to be a hundred of them directly over our property, circling for what seemed like twenty minutes.
I knew this was my sign. Crows were a great animal spirit that followed me the entire year, even flying in at 2 in the morning to watch over me and say hello. Always making an appearance and still do now. They opened the door to my deep connection with the animal spirit world and they always appear with messages when I need them. So always be on the look out.
As uplifting and awakening this whole experience was for me, it did leave me in a great depression for months and there were times when I didn’t think I would ever get out. It was like quicksand and I was drowning in my emotions fast.
The uncontrollable sadness and disappointment by this loss was strangling me. I knew I had to get myself out. I asked the universe why I was so depressed and that night I had my very first lucid dream.
For those of you who aren’t aware, a lucid dream is one where you wake up and are conscious inside of the dream. I have had many since then but this was my first. I found myself in the same bed I fell asleep in. The room was dark but I was aware of a presence to the back left corner next to me. I sensed it was Ken but I couldn’t be sure. I just intuitively felt it was him.
I was determined to let Ken go, I had to for my well being, but this dark presence was just as determined to hold onto me. I could feel him holding my arms behind me, keeping me tight to his body. I struggled to free myself. I woke up my husband in the dream and he waved his arm around my aura and said, “it feels like a negative entity.” I pleaded with this being to let me go, that I had to let him go. It was in that moment I released this attachment and felt it exit my body in a stream of light. It hurt like hell and even upon awakening, this same area was sore for days.
I still don’t know if it was Ken who had attached himself to me or some negative entity that attached itself to me because of my supreme low vibration and sadness. Whatever it was, it was feeding off me and this low vibe energy. As long as I was sad, it remained. It sent me the triggers and thoughts, and I fed it through my fear and tears.
I knew I could not remain in that state any longer and had to move on with my life. It was time to say goodbye and accept this loss.
To this day I will never succumb to such sadness for too long, I always pull myself out. Only we can pull ourselves out of these things.
Another good thing that came out of this experience was I wrote my novels, The Dark Side Trilogy. Throughout my depression, I wrote this love story day and night, and all the emotions I was feeling for him and myself came out through these characters. I had so much inside of me that when I finished the first novel, I kept going on into a second. I decided it would be a trilogy. The second novel Beneath the Veil is much darker than the first and very much involves the separation and sadness I felt when the hope of him was torn from my heart and soul.
These stories are the outpouring of my soul and all of its secrets.
I dedicated this first novel to Ken in his memory. Being a published author was a lifelong goal for me so he helped me accomplish this too. I also got my first tattoo in memory of him, the letter K on my right ankle. That way he would always be with me, even though I can feel spiritually that he is.
He left a huge impression on my life and helped me spiritually awaken to the beautiful light being that I am today. He gave me the confidence and love needed to move forward with my life, to live it my way and nobody else’s.
There are times even now when I see his name all over and even on sides of trucks. I know it’s his way of reminding me he’s always with me. I just laugh and smile to myself, and say thank you Ken.
Infinite gratitude.
I am grateful to Ken for all the help and love he delivered to my life when I was desperately needing it. You are forever missed. Your memory lives on in the lives of those who your heart touched. I am blessed to be one of them.
1983-2008
