To J, a spiritual darkness appearing in human form who I had to face in order to rediscover my light. I thank you for the cataclysm you ushered into my life. You are forgiven.
When people think of narcissism or a narcissist, most people just think that means selfish or self absorbed. The idea of a narcissist is passed around so loosely these days within the social media playground. Now everyone is a narcissist, like it’s the new insult for calling someone fat, a slut, or a player; however, with that being said there are many levels as to how deep these self involved creatures dive.
Someone being self absorbed is only part of the definition. The deeper issue here is they lack empathy or the ability to feel pain for others. Their entire reality revolves around themselves and they view everyone else in it as an object, pure and simple. They fail to see the unity in all. There is an actual psychological disorder or maybe even perhaps a spiritual disorder that classifies these types as having narcissistic personality disorder.
There are all kinds of levels you can come across in your lifetime, as to how far the lack of feeling for others travels within them. How much does the beast have ahold of them? I don’t know what you would call the highest level of a narcissist but psychopath or sociopath spring to mind. Make a mental note of this because many of them are. Some would call them covert and even times malignant.
This was a new concept to my mind when I realized I was in a relationship with one back in 2019. This term came to me from the mouth of a friend at work when I was explaining to her what was happening between J and I, and then it all made sense. (Thank you Sarah.)
Once I discovered I was in relationship with a narcissist, I set off on a mission to figure out what exactly that was. I am a thorough and almost obsessive researcher. I try to get all of the possible information out there, taking what is relevant or resonates with my situation and discarding the rest. Wise advice here, discard the rest. I think as a collective we forget to do that. We should never accept anyone’s word as the sacred texts of the universe. Instead, figure out what works for you and resonates. Trust me, you’ll thank me later when you incorporate this. Anyway…he fit the description to a T and he was one of the most covert of them all.
Little did I know, he wasn’t the first one who tried to steal my light.
Come to find out, I had numerous narcissists in my life, even my mother showed the tendencies and was a good match for this disorder. This wasn’t her fault either, she learned it from her family line, passed down from mother to daughter, one generation after another. No wonder I kept attracting them to me since I had been programmed to please these types since childhood.
I am an empath so I attracted narcissists like a moth to flame. They wanted my light and energy because it was missing from inside of them. They knew there was something different about me but could never quite place the how and whys. Always trying to drain me, take my light or my energy. I even had this sociopath tell me flat out, “I just need some of your energy.” Some others would like to call this supply. And I was prime time, grade A supply.
On a deeper level (which he wasn’t consciously aware of), it was beautiful to him and nothing he had felt before. You know what it was that he was feeling? It was real love or how love is supposed to be in non-toxic relationships. We are strongly connected as souls, him and I, from numerous lifetimes together; and that is why we served as such a catalyst for each other in this life. It was in our contracts. He couldn’t place it but he knew he wanted it–this new feeling of love that was like a high vibin’ drug. He felt the significance of me, of us.
So when I unmasked him and he lost me, he went to the deepest depth of darkness and succumbed further into alcoholism and regret over what had become of his life. How dare I expose him and leave him in the dust? That was his job.
That’s why I believe no matter how far engrossed you are in the darkness, you are always seeking the light. I was drawn into his life as much as he was drawn into mine. I showed him real love and light, and now he can and will never forget me. I treated him better and never used him like all the others in his life. He didn’t now how to deal with someone like me.
After researching more about narcissists over the coming weeks, I came to realize that most of the people in my life and romantic relationships were narcissistic. But for me, it took coming face to face with the worst of their kind for me to get it and finally break out of that cycle. It was about learning self love, knowing my worth, and I had seriously been lacking in that department for the majority of my life. Always giving and getting nothing in return except heartache and pain.
I believe the biggest challenge to overcome with this person is to realize they never loved you and that is a very hard pill to swallow.
True narcissists are incapable of love and of honesty for that matter. This was one of the biggest hurdles I had to maneuver over in my entire relationship with him. But it is necessary as this is how I healed and how we all can heal. We must all learn to forgive each other and most of all ourselves.
I have read and seen a lot of people in discussion of narcs as being evil and spouting out anger toward them. By all means go ahead and let all of that anger out. You need to. But do not dwell on it forever. By staying in that lower vibration, they still have you. You must unchain yourself from them and break that spell they have over you. It is a difficult task and can take some time but you can do it. You are strong enough to overcome them. In the end, it’s all about unchaining ourselves from that devil energy. It is all symbolic on a deeper level.
I recently heard someone call a narcissist a demon and it really set me off onto something.
Hmmm…There might be some truth in that.
Despite your beliefs in if that is even a possibility, you must remember that all things carry energy in this universe, positive or negative. Some people have such horrible experiences as children that they carry this on into adulthood and they develop severe personality issues and patterns. But we must still show love to these people, no matter how psychotic they might be. So if you ever meet someone who shows this sort of behavior, remember that they probably went through something horrible early on in life and it’s not their fault. They interpreted abuse and violence as love and that is all they know. In order to break from this spell, they must reprogram themselves but for most, it’s too late for that kind of monumental change.
It is not necessarily their fault but due to traumatic situations they faced in their own lives, they continue to perpetuate the problem. They are running on auto pilot and do not know any better. They think everyone is the abuser like their father or mother was to them. It becomes normal and this is the way they’ve chosen to deal with it. They lack any empathy for others. They only care about themselves. They have a serious malfunction in the wiring of their brain or programming as it should be recognized. It is as if they are an empty shell, just the machine or computer. They might have experienced something so traumatic that their soul perhaps went into hiding and other entities have laid host to the body.
Sometimes we like to call this disassociation.
It isn’t so unbelievable, is it? Surrounding yourself in so much negativity, fearful thoughts, anger, guilt, resentment, self hatred—there is no telling what you might attract to you and in some cases, you allow entry for them to play host inside of your body.
After the mask came off with my narcissist, it was like there was a definite division in personalities. Like there was a good J and a bad J. He even admitted that one day. I could tell when he made the switch just by the look in his eyes. His usual bright and brilliant hazel eyes had darkened and at times were even black. The alcoholism with him allowed these spirits or energies into him regularly and when you drink as much as he did, they were always roaming around free reign.
It is hard to determine which one you were really in love with. Sure you would like to say you loved the real them but that is not true.
The real them in this life is the cruel animal, the maniacal manipulator, the pathological liar, the raving lunatic. I liked to believed that I loved J for all sides of him, good or bad. I would accept him for what he was because I loved him, despite my better judgment. I loved his soul because we were connected in prior lives and because I truly wanted to heal him the way I needed to be healed. Truth is, I loved him unconditionally (darkness and all) and for the first time, I really did. But that same love was not returned to me by him. He just saw me as an easy target who would give him all he needed and never say no to him. The sad truth is that since I was so loving, caring and drama-free, he could not recognize what I was giving him as love. He associated love as drama, fighting, physical and emotional abuse so he continued to use and abuse me because it was easy for him.
In a way, I was like him though. Scary as that is to admit, there was some truth there. He mirrored my dark side and helped all the repressed anger and rage I had been holding inside slowly rise to the surface. I was his shadow and he was mine. He helped me find my voice again and forced me to stand up for myself, to stand up against him. To finally say no to an abuser.
Since I grew up in a similar emotional environment as him and suffered some of the same traumatic childhood events, I interpreted love in a mirrored way to him. I used to think that kind of negative behavior also was love and that is why I kept attracting these types into my life. Luckily for me I had awakened to my spiritual path 10 years prior so the doorway to self love was already open.
This was a necessary slap in the face that I greatly needed for my own growth. I had learned to love myself and come to know my worth. I learned to set boundaries with others and I was no longer willing to accept this “love” from anyone because it wasn’t really love.
After my last run-in with him, however, I was finally able to see it all. All doubts that I was harboring inside, feelings my intuition were guiding me to see, came bursting forth like a broken window. I could finally see that everything he brought to the table or experience was an illusion. He was 100% incapable of feeling love, remorse for his actions, and deliver honest truth. I had indeed loved the mask and he knew how to play it so well. I’m sure the mask was someone different for every woman he went with.
Months after this relationship came to a boiling end, I was still hurting and living in resentment, emotional confusion, and disappointment. I consulted a shamanic healer and while in a deep meditative state, I broke down and muttered the words, “I want to learn to love again.” And now I have.
It was important that I understood what love really was, and what I was and was not willing to accept as love. I had to love myself first and foremost. No more people pleasing. I had to choose myself for once.
We must protect ourselves from these narcissists, these demons parading around in human bodies, while we still can. As a collective, we must stand up to these selfish dark energetic beings.
These types of beings are running this world incidentally. I call them beings because who really knows what’s living inside them, they certainly lack humanity and the ability to feel pain for others. So who knows what they really are. They want to turn all of us into creatures like them. But we have a choice.
I am choosing love, light, positive vibes, and forgiveness over all that darkness.
What will you choose?
The time of indecision is through, we all must decide. Even not making a choice is still a choice.
I lived most of my life in that muddled darkness and I never want to return. I am finally free of it and you can be too. It’s never too late to stand up for yourself, to know your self worth and say I’m not going to take that. I’m enough. I am loveable and I deserve better than this. (I wish we could say these same things to the powers that be as well.) Kick them out of your life for good, say goodbye, and tell them not to hit the door on their ass when they leave.
Once you do this, the next one will be so much better. You have to learn the lesson first and know your worth. But if by chance you do attract another one, do not fear. You know all the red flags and understand how they operate. Just tell yourself this is a test and do not allow yourself to get pulled in again by another one. After all it’s all just dark energy vying for your life force, your energy, your “blood”.
You are their greatest food source so starve them out. They cannot survive without us and that is their deepest pain.
Choose love. Choose light. And you’ll be doing just fine.
