Greetings, I take it you’ve found yourself in a similar situation or the word narcissist or empath have crossed your thoughts at some point recently. For whatever reason brings you here, welcome. If you do not have any background on what all of this entails, there is plenty of information out there on the topic. I might go further into this in another post but this is my story. And I would like to share this first.
I didn’t know if I should share it. I try to not share my writing with the world but I am being called to. And more importantly, this story and my experience need to be shared and should be shared. I do believe that we can heal each other through our stories. We can relate. We can see ourselves in each other. And we should because in truth, we are that same person.
I hope this writing inspires or keeps your eyes open for the signs in case this dark wolf should creep across your path and perhaps with this knowledge, they will not catch you off guard. You should also learn to recognize that when this person comes into your life, they are meant to teach you something. They mirror back to you everything you refuse to see in yourself. And in my case, it went both ways.
Be prepared because if there is something they see in you that they don’t like in themselves, they will use that to degrade you. But do not fret because in reality narcissists are really frightened children, cowards who are afraid of the world. But most importantly, they are afraid of themselves. They are afraid to look at themselves in the mirror, mask off, completely stripped down—because they’d have to succumb to all of the damage they have caused in their lives and to numerous others. They live in a false reality. Their perception of what is real is greatly skewed. They have gone so far as to convince others of their lies as they have to control everything. In their minds, if they believe the lie enough-it’s true.
Before I met this supreme master narcissist, I never really knew anything about them or that they even existed. But now, looking back on other past relationships, family or romantic partners,—I think I always attracted this type of person in one way or another. It was never as extreme as this last case and I was always willing to take it. Take the abuse, whether verbal or physical. There was always a controlling aspect to the men I dated, and if they were not an alpha male type, they were completely broken and violent—taking their rage out on me in any way they could.
It’s always fun dating a woman hater. Not! It took dating the most notorious type of narcissist there is for me to recognize this pattern for what it was.
He is beyond textbook narcissism. He is sociopathic, psychopathic—pick your poison as they both apply. He is also a raging alcoholic which I discovered too late and my need to fit in or be there for my partner, I drank with him. I began drinking heavily to the point where beer was not enough. I starting doing shots with him to keep up. To get that buzz. Starving myself of food and consuming only alcohol or weed. My hair was falling out from all of the stress. He was draining me of my energy. I had to go home just to re-energize.
He had such an influence over me, I was starting to turn into him in a way. I was losing my identity. I was determined to please him in every way I could. He fed off that too. He was a whiskey drinker, always whiskey. The cheap stuff too. The kind that when you swallow, you want to throw up immediately. I can’t tell you how many handles of this stuff he went through in a week. 3-5, maybe more. I’m sure it’s much more at this point. His alcoholism was at such a point that as soon as he would wake up in the morning, he was in the kitchen pouring himself a shot. It didn’t matter the hour.
It continues all day. He lost his job from drinking. Tried rehab. Got out, got a DUI. His karma is really catching up with him and he always insisted that he was invincible, that he didn’t believe in karma. He certainly does now. I am not poking fun at his condition. I know it is serious. I had to break myself out of my own addictions, even to alcohol.
I tried to help him numerous times or be a friend to him, he cannot control his addiction. He cannot live with himself so he needs to drink constantly, to maintain that sense of ego or power. He needs the alcohol to transform into the confident charming J he needs to be to hold up his image. It allows dark energies into him, demons, whatever you want to call them—they are real. I knew just by looking into his eyes that something was changed in him. Was he the good J or bad J? Oh yes he had his sides. We all do.
I will call him J for anonymity here. There was something about men with the letter J. I dated many and they always seemed to come to me. Well this J was like no other. We met online. As soon as I laid my eyes upon him or read his first message, I was under his spell. Like a form of black magic.
I am a spiritual person and have long been on the hunt (for most of my life) for my spiritual companion. I always felt that the person I was meant to meet would encompass so many traits and interests. I would feel it. I would know intuitively that this was the person. That he was important.
I’ve only felt this a couple times in my life with people and they always had a huge impact on my life. That feeling you get where you’re like I know you from somewhere. Where there was an attraction that went beyond the physical. Our connection was unlike anything I had felt before. We shared this strange telepathy together, synchronicities around every corner concerning him. This continued to happen long before we ever met. I just knew I was supposed to meet him. Little did I know what was in store for me, and it wasn’t the happily ever after I had dreamed of.
Now let me be clear, I do not regret my decision to date him and continued to date him, or give into his BS because I learned so much.
To be honest, I fucking needed it.
I needed a kick in my pants. I needed to finally stand up for myself and fight against injustice. To love myself enough that I would say fuck you, I’ve had enough. I don’t deserve this. This was a pattern for me, that stemmed from early childhood. We are dealing with serious programming from childhood, a program that few are ever able to break free from.
In a weird way, J was dealt a similar hand. My childhood is in no way in comparison to his. He had a horrible upbringing, traumatic, abusive. He had it all, it’s no wonder he became the man he is today. He was dealt a rough hand of cards. But in a way, we had a similar trauma from verbal abuse and neglect, and other private trauma I will not go into at this time. Somehow we had both learned that pain or emotional trauma was love. Or that being belittled by someone in authority is normal.
And that is what this whole experience is about. A great lesson and sometimes very tragic if we are not careful.
Unfortunately for some, we are too afraid to leave for whatever reasons and there may be a lack of self love so we stay with the narcissist for years and in some cases decades. We are literally destroyed and become a shell of the previous person we used to be.
There is a lesson here for us all, however harrowing. Being in a relationship with a manipulative narcissist like this is not for the faint of heart. It actually takes a lot of strength to stay with them so do not view yourselves as weak. To imprison yourself in a trap like that takes a lot of inner strength. But you also have serious self love issues if you do stay with them for too long. So please start loving yourself. It is so important.
To sum up, my obsession with him or the idea that he was spiritually important to me or possibly the love of my life, kept me there. Luckily I found out soon enough how wrong I was.
I am what you call an empath and in some cases a super-empath. There were red signs everywhere for quite some time. I chose to ignore them. I thought, you know if I’m going to be with this person, I have to respect who they are—however crazy they might be. I need to love them unconditionally, just as they are. I went against my better judgment many a time and I was naive, I am not afraid to admit that.
Silly me, I thought this person actually loved me in the way that I loved them. Finally, I found out that he never did. I was desperate to hold onto that love. I was in denial that his love was an illusion because I felt so strongly in my heart and soul that he was important to me.
It took a lot of painful trauma, verbal and physical abuse from this person to shake me at my core. It was like god shook my arms and said, “Erin, do you see now? Do you see the evil in this person? He never loved you. He was using you. Sucking the life out of you like a vampire. You must rid yourself from this person before he kills you.”
That was it. That was all it took.
J gave me the scare of my life and I vowed to myself and the universe that this relationship would never be reconciled again. I already tried to do that, you see.
I had ended this abruptly when I found out he was not at all who I thought he was and he was cheating on me with numerous others. In fact, I think I was the other woman to some of his harem. I will explain all of this in time, but you must understand this.
I unmasked and discarded the narcissist and that is never a good thing to do. They always win, they always discard their partners.
Not me, though.
I figured him out while he was still reliant upon my energy or supply. I won, he lost—and that destroyed him. He went into a complete psychotic breakdown and obsession took over. The demon of alcohol now had control of his balls, his mind, his actions, and was never gonna let go.
I would receive a hundred text messages a day, back to back phone calls and long voice mails begging me to talk to him or take him back.
Foolish girl. I believed him and let him back into my life. I wanted it in fact, I will admit that.
Eventually, he came back in and we became friends briefly. I watched him hard like a detective, I paid attention to every word, every lie (and there were many), every hand gesture and story. I had to do this to prove something to myself. I couldn’t let go completely you see because I believed we still had some great spiritual contract to uphold and maybe perhaps he was my twin flame. The similarities between our lives, is eerie. And I couldn’t explain this telepathy between us. I always knew when he was thinking of me, when I’d be getting a call or text. I could feel him and I couldn’t shake his energy. It wouldn’t leave me, even with cord cutting.
I realized at this point after the blatant disrespect he showed to me, that he was never going to change and he didn’t really care about me.
To me or anyone sane, this isn’t love.
He was incapable of honesty and love. Worst of all, he sought revenge upon me and hated me, he tried to hide it but it came out with his drinking. I won the “game” and to him, he hated me for it. No one had ever beat him before. So secretly I think he was determined to reel me back in and destroy me. Lucky for me, I had already forgiven him and let go of things…mostly.
My guard was definitely up this time and I didn’t fall for his games. I got out just in the nick of time. Funny thing, though. He secretly warned me of things while he was medium drunk at times. He’d tell me, “If you were smart, you’d stay the hell away from me.” or “Run Erin. Get the hell out of here. You need to leave.” “I’m a killer Erin” or “I walk with the gods” were also said numerous times by him. Who says that to someone? A psychopath, that’s who.
I made the very tough decision to block him for good and remove him from my life, my mind, and my heart. Most people probably would say, that would have been an easy decision for me. But I care too much for people and never want to hurt others.
The typical narcissist he was, he would continue to text and call but he would receive nothing from me. I refused to allow him into my life again or acknowledge his existence. Times would pass for months without a word and then he would slyly sneak back in. Even one year later, he started contacting me again. I was strong and never budged from my hold.
He then took it upon himself to show up at my house, confess his love for me and apologize with fake tears in hopes that somewhere inside, I still loved him. I told him no and this was completely over. I didn’t care if he was alive or dead. It was a difficult moment and I was being tested by the universe on all fronts. I passed the test and he went on his way.
Even after this day, he has still reached out to me with threats of finding me again but I know in the end, he is a coward and deep down inside, he doesn’t want to hurt me again. He knows he crossed a line, even for our souls to rebuild. I have forgiven him as I can see him from a different light. I have put myself in his shoes and I know he is in so much pain.
I learned so much from this experience and gained a lot in return. The biggest of those being self love. This paved the way for the true love of my life to come in, and this time, I was ready for him
I have forgiven J and wish him well in the rest of his journey. In a weird way, I am thankful for the pain he gave me because it made me that much stronger.
Forgiveness releases us from the pain, sorrow, anger, resentment, and disappointments in our lives. We must forgive those who have harmed us. We must forgive ourselves for harming others and ourselves.
